Get a few tissues...

I was laying awake in bed this morning after feeding the girls. I did not want to just let my mind wonder and I could tell I was not going to be able to fall asleep right away. So, I got my MP3 player and began listening to some music. Some are love songs, some remind me of my boys and many are worship songs. ALL OF THEM ARE SONGS I LISTENED TO OVER AND OVER AGAIN AS I HELD MY GIRLS IN THE HOSP. Many times I went to the hospital all by myself for hours on end. I had my nurses to keep me company, but they were working:). So, besides the warmth of my girls in my arms, I had my MP3 player, my music. Now here many of the song again I am reminded of the past 4 months, the hardest 4 months of my 31 years so far.

I think back to the 3.5 weeks in the hospital before the girls were born. Although quite necessary and I would do it again, it was very difficult. I have to give my life over to God... completely. MY OWN CHILDREN had to be taken care of by someone else. MY JOB. This was very difficult for me. Not knowing what they were thinking, how they were feeling or if they understood any of it. To this day when I go out without them they ask, "ARE YOU COMING HOME?". After a huge sigh, I say, "YES.... I AM COMING HOME!". 

Then 1 week of that 3.5 weeks was in pure pain. Only in the evenings... but that was when I felt the most alone. I had several friends with me visiting or on the phone. But this was so hard. Although the worst part was when I was sick for 8 weeks in the beginning. I would just lay in bed crying and praying for it all to be over! IT WAS BAD! The endurance, or lack there of was the worst torture. But, at the same time the pain of the week prior to their birth was really bad! It was progressively getting worse. There were so many unknowns. I prayed for God to make it all end with a guarantee that my girls would be ok. I would lay in the hospital bed sobbing. Praying it would all stop. I could not handle another second. He answered my prayer... once again. Going through it all I had no idea if my prayers were going to be answered the way I picked them to be! But, they were. My girls are healthy and living. 

Following their birth I was so very sick. The first 5 days of their life was a blur. I was hardly able to go and visit them. I just sat in the hospital bed in pain. Wondering what else could go wrong. I was sick, weak and did not know what was in store the next morning... but I was getting progressively better. Each morning I woke up thankful that the pains were getting less. Then I had to focus on my girls. Sophia was surviving. Sabrina was thriving. 

I just found myself in a cloud... what if Sophia didn't make it. Then I stopped and said... SHE DID!!! Anyways...

Day after day I visited them seeing them grow and develop. It was not easy. I could not bring them home and felt so deep inside a sadness that was hard to feel. Like you lost something you will never find again. I felt that each time I left the hospital with my girls laying in their beds being taken are of by multiple other people. Many times I'd watch the monitors go up and down hoping and praying the numbers stayed up high enough to let me know they were still alive and breathing. Praying they would live through the night when I was unable to be there with them. Several times their vitals dropped and you just never knew if they would pop back up again. Or I'd call the next morning and the nurse would tell me they had a rough night and I was home, sleeping. There was one time did not think Sabrina was going to make it. She turned purple from head to toe, but I was there. Aaron was right by her side. The way it should be. But, again... we had to leave them there. Not something I ever want to see again. They both made it out:) NO MORE NICU.... or so I thought.

The girls each having to go back to the hospital, Sophia twice, was very difficult. Oddly enough it was harder than them being in the NICU. Sophia was in 1.5 weeks the first time and one day the second time. Sabrina 3 days. She almost did not make the trip to the hospital. Again... Daddy was right there holding her through it all. But those days were not because they were preemie and they just needed to grow, those days were THEY ARE SICK AND I PRAY THEY WILL BE OK! My arms are weak as I type. It takes everything out of me. Once they were home and healthy, you'd think it would be over... but then I began experiencing post traumatic stress. I got plugged in with a special forum online, and I talk with those ladies daily. Each, a mom who has gone through similar stories. Mine... although very difficult... is nothing compared to other peoples' stories. I am very thankful for this.

What I do know and understand is how something like this totally tugs, pulls and potentially destroys a marriage. Aaron and I fought against each other and fought to keep each other together. It was not easy on our marriage in the least bit. There are things that have happened that I never want to even think about again, but it happened, and it is done! Our wedding song is now playing on my MP3 player. I am listening to it now for the first time in months. This is one song I would skip over, too difficult to listen to. Now as I am listening I am crying, tears rolling ... THE HARDEST 4 months of my life. We made it through and our marriage is stronger for it. Not because we have to ... but because we chose to love each other no matter what. 

Now we have to protect our girls from getting sick. Not because we just want healthy kids, but for about 2 years any sickness could do more to them than an average child because they were preemie. It will hit them harder than the typical child. Thank you all for being supportive and understanding about this. It is harder for me:), but I WOULD DO ANYTHING FOR MY KIDS!!!

Thank you all for your prayers. We would not have made it without God on our side through each step of this process. 

Aaron and I have made it! My girls have made it! My boys have made it! All for his glory! 

Thank you God!!! I am blessed beyond measure! We have overcome! In Christ Alone!!!